head in the sand

Can I just stick my head in the sand, I think that would be better. On Friday my mom in law pass away, you’d think that be enough to deal with. My laptop caught a virus that my detector never caught. I spoke to Rabbi and he said I should be able to get raid of the stupid thing with out being the computer to the beginning. Got home and my PSP broke. Well, I have my laptop back up and running as good as ever. I lost my Word 2003 disk somewhere.
Okay, I am feeling slightly stressed anyhow. It hard being with out my husband mom. She was a great woman of G-d, and I am feeling slightly down. I haven’t even touch my homework yet, because I was working on my computer for so long. I still haven’t heard about my grade in accounting.
I know that this might be my way to grieve because I have been just so unorganized, and I can’t seem to think straight. Last night I almost told him, we should call, oh yeah idiot can’t call! I ended up breaking down in the litergical part of service, normally I don’t cry in front of people. I try not to but I just couldn’t help it. It seems this congregation I have cried at more in the open then anywhere else. I must be feeling rather safe with my congregation. One of the Elders spoke with my husband and direct him to get grief support more directed to cancer, which is the same thing I have been telling my hubby. Hubby found a group but it didn’t do him much good. He found one last night that more specific to cancer which I think will do us better.
It hard to lose a love one, but when you lose them to cancer which is eating them away. That is slowly killing them and you have to watch that happening it different then just suddenly losing the person. I think knowning someone is in their last hours, days or month does more to the mind then when it just so sudden. I am not saying that there is no grief when you lose a love one becuase their is, but what I am saying that if you need grief support it need to focus more within a certian grouping then just any old support. We were told to go to the American Cancer Association, my hubby found a group which meets once a month on Thursday, so I think we might give that a try. Since mom gone, we might not need to much help getting through our grief.
I am hoping all my homework can be completed before Tuesday if not then when I get home from class I will be working rather hard on getting it in before midnight or 2am my time. One thing my husband adn I will miss once we start having kids is mom would have had wonderful unique baby gifts, she has always like making things. Since her stroke she hasn’t been able to do much of anything with her hands. I feel bad that I will never be able to share my song with mom, but maybe she will hear it from Heaven who knows.
I was very close to her, and I saw her as a friend and a mother.

Not any easier

My husband mom lost her battle to cancer early this morning at around 1am. We are sadden by her loss and knowing did not make it any easier to handle. I had just got done doing my prayer or lack of it, not sure what it was, but I was thinking on her. My husband came out of the room, and I know immediatly what he would be telling me. I know right away but hearing the words stung just as bad as not knowing.

My husband mom was like a second mom to me. I will always have found memories of her. When I first met his parents I was scared, because I had been hurt many times. I didn’t exactly trust many people but his parent’s were a wonderful blessing,  the first time in a long time, I let them in closer then anyone else.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mother, even though I love her. Sometimes our roles have been reverse, so it makes it hard to call her about womanly things or marriage things. I have talk to my husband mom many times, and express some fears with her. She never once spoke an unkind word toward me. I have a habit, which is probably my way of dealing with spoken words. Growing up I didn’t hear much of I love you statement, so when people have said it I never knew how to respond. My grandma when I lived with her never told me she loved me but she tried showing me in many ways. Grandma didn’t tell me she loved me until the last couple years with out me saying it first to her. I have always felt uncomfortable with hearing “I love you”.

One day recently my husband mom told me she loved me, and I said Yeah I know. She told me, she was angry at me, I was a little confused because I never realized the words I had spoken, when she told me. I laughed not a haha funny type laugh but the laugh of I don’t know what to do, I love you to but I not good at expressing it verbally. Funny thing is I am a very verbal person. I said sorry. There are few people I will say sorry to.  I told her I loved her before we lift that night. The next time we would see her  was in the hospital. She was moved to the nursing home on Thursday, she only lived for 2 days after that. We won’t get to say no more goodbyes. I wrote her a song which I was in the middle of and honestly still there, I never got to sing it to her. I wish I had the gutts the last night at the hospital but I chicken out. I regret it, I know I let her read the words, and maybe that’s good enough.

Something, I wish I didn’t say to my husband was that mom only had a week or 2 lift, because it ended up being exactly a week. I don’t know if I feel guilty or if I feel sad.  I know she is with the Father and we will met again, so it will be reading and reciting the Mourners prayer for a few weeks. I will post the mourners prayer on here in the next couple of days.

My last conversation with mom was in the hospital room where she seemed to realize just how different I and my husband are. We are almost like night and day. I am very different… I am glad G-d didn’t have anyone who love mom in there when she passed away. This is G-d’s mercies on the family I believe. I am glad mom went know Yeshua and having a relationship. This makes it less painful, even though it doesn’t take away all pain. I don’t want to say good bye, they hurt.

Maybe hospice needed that gift

It’s amazing how words can really hurt a person deeply. I am worried about dad, because of words people have spoken unwisely toward him. I know in the Bible, we are told our tongues are like a flaming sword or something, along that lines and it the one thing that can’t be tamed. I know this weekend I had to bite my tongue a couple of times, and I really had to listen to the Holy Spirit because their were a few times I wanted to open my mouth and chew someone a new one.
Some of dads so called friends and a couple of family members had the nerve to blame him on mom having cancer. They have spoken unkind words toward him, which he took to heart. Normally dad doesn’t share, and just leaves it bottled up. I am someone that sometimes I can feel pain or sorrow coming from a person, I guess maybe hospice needed that gift on Monday. They could have saw how hurt dad was by their action. Shoot I don’t need G-d to show me that much, because it was rather clear and dad is not a type of person to have a melt down. I have seen him cry two times since I have known him. Once when his wife had a stroke and once here this weekend. I am still angry with Hospice, and how they handle every one but the patient. Dad needed to be told it was okay and he did his best, not to feel like because he needed to be away from home, and couldn’t pick mom up or move her when she needed that he had failed as a husband, in not so many words. Mom and dad didn’t need to be called a lair, which is what pissed me off.
I thought a grief counselor or hospice was supposed to be there for the family, not to unvalidate the family feeling. I don’t even care they didn’t offer to help my husband or I afford the cost of needing to go down after one of their nurses told us mom wouldn’t last pass the weekend probably she only had a few days. Okay I don’t mind because she at home looked like things were heading that direction. I am not even made they removed mom out of the house, I would have to and feel they did the right thing. So how come I can be nuetural with them, and understand why they did thing. Listen to what they have to say and pretty much try to place myself away from how I feel about them. Am I being impartial now, no I don’t see any need to be that way right now, around them I was. As family I could have easily told them Hospice is their for the whole family including the patient and if you can’t separate this fact then you aught not to be in both roles.
During this whole thing mom faith is so strong. One of our relatives had told us someone needs to be in the room 24/7 either us or dad because mom was scared of dieing. Mom told us no I am not scared of dying I am going to be with Jesus, I know where I will be. She told them there was nothing to be scared of. I wasn’t there because I was playing grief comfort for dad. After this weekend I am not sure how good of a counselor I will be even though it where my heart is. Mom later told my husband her son, there nothing for me to be scared of, and maybe that person is scared of what’s happening because she don’t know Jesus like I do. We have never heard mom say anything like that about anyone.
When someone is removed out of the house expecially with no one there, leave a note. Dad could have read that and went to the hospital grant it that a natural assumption to make, but then to call them and have them refuse to give information, because someone else was listed. I am not made at the person listed on mom that was meant as a temporary measure for a injection to kill mom pain. She was the only I had to listen to the L-rd with because I felt angry that it took my husband and I at least 40 minutes with hospice of we can’t tell you nothing.
I finally told her Listen we are the power of medical attorney, we are her son and daughter in law, and when we went there Sunday things seemed not good but not that bad. I told her not knowing is not fair to us. She said she was sorry but those where mom wishes. I know for a fact that is wrong, I got a little annoyed by that finally we was told and lead to the impression that she didn’t have long.
She don’t have long but we rush out Saturday and stayed for 3 days.. We got back home last night.
Sometimes we need to please ill thoughts of people in the litter box, and leave them there till we can deal with the feelings of everything.
It is amazing how the hospital thinks we are welling to go to hospice after what happened, I am sorry if I want grief support I would rather not have it with hearing, we are not her for you, that not what we do. So if your only hear for the family why does it say you here to help the family with the grief.
I am glad my grandma has such a huge change in her life over the last couple of years. Grandma has been an example of compassion. I ended up calling her because I needed to talk to someone who was not their to be on one side or the other. I gave dad her phone number, I am not setting dad or grandma up, *laughing* Granny would probably kill him. My thing was making sure dad had someone to listen and accept what he had to say with out judgment. I am not saying I want him to just hear all the good and great things, I want them to be honest but honesty with compassion and not making him feel he is at fault. Guilt is the heaviest burden to carry around when a love one dies. My problem isn’t mom being forced to be in a home, even though she wants to be at home, because the safest place for her now is at a rest home. A rest home will take care of mom basic needs and she’ll have help because now she at a point where she needs more help then dad can give her. They did what was right by mom until they upset her by calling her and dad a liar.

Update on everything

I have spoke about my husband mom and his family a few times, and brought up other people who were in need of prayer. We have been going down almost every weekend, to his parents. I worry about his dad and him taking his medications.
While we were down the last time we found out mom and dad will be getting 16 hours of week of help from a group out there. The help is to help clean the house, and make sure mom and dad are being meet. We lift a note in their notebook asking them to please make sure dad is also taking his medications everyday. It is important for him to take his medications. I did get after him a little bit, and stressed how important it was for him to take his medication. I did let him know that if they are not taking their medications they will not be safe at home. Dad had forgotten to take his pills to keep him from getting dizzy several times last week. My husband noticed it. Mom as far as we can tell is taking it everyday.
Mom and dad both do not want to go to a home, and I don’t blame them. We have spoken to them about assisted living apartments, because those are not like homes. Dad could come and go when he wants to, and mom would be able to call for help if she needed. Mom wants to die at home, and we feel this is the best thing for her wishes to be met. Grant it if she can’t be safe at home, I do not believe we’d leave her there, but right now she is safe enough.
I am hoping that the hired help who comes in will be respectful to them, and will not take advantage of them. We have had some trouble with hospice, I will just say they are lucky they spoke with my husband and not I. I would have probably let the woman hear it, I am very out spoken and when I disagree with something or when someone is wrong, I normally set them straight and that what I would do.
They have a lawyer working with them about the couple who took advantage of them, and so far it’s been more threating the couple to make things right.
Mom health isn’t doing good she been sleeping a whole lot more then she used to, dad is doing the avoid what is happening. My husband and I spoke to him, about mom, gave him a chance to have people to talk to, and encouraged him not to run away. Normally when we call home dad is no where to be found and been gone for a long time, mom can’t be lift alone for that long. Dad admitted pretty much that he was doing this to avoid what is happening. My husband told him don’t do that to long because later he couldn’t change the behavior and he would regret not spending more time with mom.
My husband and I aren’t exactly dealing with it neither we are trying too, but both of us are probably more at each other throat. I figured it best to not say nothing to him at all because everything I say been a source of argument or frustrations.
My ankle is almost healed, I still have a little bit of pain in it. The injury will take a little time to heal, but I honestly have to admit I been frustrated with the lack of exercises. I got a new swimsuits that I haven’t even been able to wear. I have lost a little bit of weight even with my inactivity.

making time

Sometimes making time to spend in prayer is hard. We are told that it’s important to spend time with the Father. Yeshua has given us a outline of how to pray. I am not saying I haven’t been praying, because I have been. I was thinking a little bit ago that I haven’t really been praying about other things, like what should I do about Children worship. It’s important when leading worship even if it for children to ask the L-rd what to do, and ask for guidance.
We as believer need to both spend time in studying his word, and spending time in our prayer closet. It’s important to pray for our loved ones or even people we don’t really know. In the bible from Genesis to Revelation it talks about prayer and how important it is, it shows the power of prayer. In Genesis prayed to G-d for his barren wife. We know being barren wasn’t a good thing in their mind because G-d had told us to fill the earth, he wanted us to have children. Sometimes I wonder if he did this to show us what it’s like. Don’t get me wrong kids are great but they are challenging.
Moshe went to G-d on behalf of Israel several times, and this includes during times of war. When Moshe had his hands lifted up to G-d they were winning their battle when his arms fall they started losing.
In the Book of Luke, shortly before Yeshua was walking among us, Zechariah was praying for a child. An Angel of the L-rd appeared to him. He was told he would have a son.
Yeshua in the garden prayed for us and encouraged his disciples to pray with him, and for him, but we all know they fall a sleep. Yeshua was teaching us a lesson her, have we learned it, to a point I believe we have.
All of the examples I see in the bible of Prayer, show how G-d can work with us when we just ask. We are told we have not because we ask not. It’s like when my shower doesn’t want to give me hot water through the shower faucets. If I do not let my apartment manager now that my water is going from hot to cold and back to hot, burning hot in both my husband and my shower, how can they fix it. I am not saying G-d is like this because he knows when things are broken, but I think he wants us to ask Him. It is a part of a relationship, we have to ask our parents for things we want growing up. I know my mom knew a lot about what I wanted like if I needed shoes she knew about it, but I still had to ask sometimes.

question about sinning

The other night I was online visiting a chat room. Someone had brought up a scripture and I believe was trying to argue that no one could be children of G-d because we have sin. I disagree with his theory. I know that sometimes believer fall short of the mark. G-d has given us free well so sometimes we make bad chooses. We have to listen to the Holy Spirit because he not just going to control us like we are puppets on strings. He will convict us and there will be that still small voice of maybe this isn’t a good idea or maybe I shouldn’t do this. This little voice I have ignored many times, and many times I have learned to not head to that voice sometimes it G-d speaking to me, redirecting me. Sometimes not listening to that still small voice has gotten me some serious hurts and wounds. I am not saying G-d enjoyed what happened because I know he wouldn’t, if he did well that wouldn’t be the G-d I know but he does allow our choices to determine sometimes the outcome, and sometimes he is gracious enough not to let us reap the benefits that could be horrible.
Is it a sin not to listen to the Holy Spirit when you know he is guiding you, or when you know G-d has placed something on your heart but you ignore it. Yes I believe that would be sin, Sin is anything displeasing to G-d. The scripture this chatter brought up was 1 John 3:9 No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.
Okay, so we are told that no one born of G-d can continue sinning. I believe if we where to totally allow G-d to be G-d in our lives and where open to him, and listen then we would all be without sin. But now G-d gave us free well, and we will have to answer for our actions. Yeshua has told us how we aught to act. G-d has given us many laws of how to act in the Old Testament. If you sit down and really look at some of the laws G-d gave, we would see that a good number of them is about how to treat your neighbor, what our behavior aught to be.
The verse I brought up was Roman 3 22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
This verse isn’t a ticket to go on sinning, but it’s a verse which clearly states that we all fall short. Yeshua in Luke 17:3 So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.
Why would Yeshua tell us that if our brother sin, rebuke him. Because Yeshua knows we sometimes don’t get it right away and need some form of correction. There are quiet a few places which talk about what to do when a brother sins against you, and correcting undesirable behavior.
When I started sharing the person lift fairly quickly but I also compared Christians to the Jewish people of Mount Sinai when G-d wanted to speak to them. I know many believers if G-d where to start talking to us very few would have the response Moshe had to him.
It kind of like a customer of a promotional products, they have to decide to act on that product and determine what they think about it.

Shouldn’t have worried

We have not because we ask not, we are all familiar with this verse. I have spent a little time in prayer about schooling and how to come up with the money for it. I was worried that next year I wouldn’t have enough money to cover my college expense, because they told me I only had enough to cover for this year. I was just going to deal with it next year and start putting away money this year. But couldn’t see from where or how.
There are a few things I have been needing, so I started praying. I wasn’t asking G-d for the money to go to school, but how I was going to do it. Sometimes I think I have the wrong question, of how am I going to do this, when G-d’s probably saying you have not because your not asking or relying on yourself more then me or something total different. I am not saying this is what G-d said to me, but lately I been having a theme of that verse popping in my head at the oddest times. Today at work I was praying for my friend as I said in another post, I got good news from her, and then tonight financial aid called me with more good news. She wanted to let me know not to worry about the invoices I’d be getting from the school over the next couple of months, because financial aid would cover that, but she is waiting for my transfer credits to show up again. She told me I was considered as a 2nd semester Junior this helps when applying for scholarships which I will be doing this year. Why am I going to apply for scholarships when I know G-d can provide, because sometimes we have to help ourselves too. If I sit her and say G-d will provide but I do nothing at all, it be unwise to expect a check to come in the mail for college. I know it’s possible that could happen but until then I have to try other means too.
While talking to my financial adviser from school she was letting me know some changes and was a little confused with how many classes my credits equaled she told me, and as she was talking I realized she was wrong. I corrected her, and let her now how many classes it was and how many classes I should have lift if I get my forty credits from the other college. I am a student on the flexnet program at the UOP.
I will say, I am very impressed with the professors and staff there. I went to bible college before there, and almost flunked out. I lift bible college very broken, and doubted G-d could ever use me in anything. I felt like I was beyond stupid, and I would never succeed in college. UOP is considered here as a private college because of the arrangement they have, but it is accredited and I can get state grants if I qualify for them.
I wasn’t going to encourage with this post, but it just changed direction. If you have drop out of college because of believing you couldn’t succeed or what have you. Maybe professors have said you can never learn or other not so encouraging things. I know from experience just because you don’t succeed at one college it doesn’t mean you can’t somewhere else. I know for me what work at the UOP is the way their classes are, and how they are willing to work. What has helped me also is the small classes because if I don’t understand something, I don’t feel so threaten not to ask for help because I don’t want other to think I am stupid.
Out of anywhere where I should have gotten encouragement it should have been bible college but it didn’t happen there. When I first went to UOP my first enrollment person gave me a mustard seed coin. I still have that coin and sometimes I look at it when I get discourage because my class is very hard and I don’t think I will ever grasp the material in time. It was amazing that she had more faith and confidence in me then I had in me. Usually when you leave a college with a GPA like mine you have to prove yourself to them to prove you can do it. After my second class, I was told by someone there that they don’t think it was me at the last college, because they could tell by how hard I tried and said it was the other college not being the right fit.
Finding the right college is so important, you want to be encouraged but at the same time you need to be challenged to learn and grow. If your taking a class where you just required to spew out what the professor says, than maybe it’s not learning. What I like about the UOP is that you have the learn the material and the professor bring it into clear view, they make the work show in our lives. In accounting I don’t have many examples I can go with, but that’s okay I am still passing the class and doing well at that. I have talked to both my academic adviser and enrollment person several times during this class.
They wanted to make sure I was doing well and was okay, kind of the check in and see how your doing. I never got that at the Bible college, shoot I had people being told by people in authority to not be around me because I had trouble in my past. I honestly have to say that most of my healing has came through my experience at UOP and when I graduate, that one professor from the Bible college will get a little with my grades and degree attached, saying, “you said I couldn’t, they said I could, and I now know I can!” I am so close to being done, I know bragging isn’t G-dly, but maybe if I say something to that one professor who I valued so much at the time. He will realize tiering his students down isn’t helpful and maybe encouragement is more important. I am not saying I only hear encouragement, because if I am not doing well I hear about it from the professor. I have had one professor at the UOP, I don’t much care for him because he is hard. I hope he don’t remember me from my last class with me, maybe he will expect less if he don’t remember me. He expects a lot from his students, most of their professor do including the one I have now. I won’t say I dislike him because I don’t dislike him, He a okay person, I just well know I am in for a lot of hard work.
Finding a good college is like finding the right ac compressor, if you find the right one it works great. Now I will say my program isn’t for everyone because it requires me to have a lot of self motivation. I have time scheduled everyday except for Saturday, for homework. I came in and that’s what I do, don’t try talking to me or sharing anything with me until I am completed with my work.

Some relief

Today I got a text message from my best friend. She like a sister to me, we have bible study with her and her husband a couple times a month. A few weeks ago she called me scared and stressed out, she started with the I know you’re already facing a lot of things, but I need someone. She the type of friend who makes you willing to help her any way even if it’s just a ear for listening or a shoulder for crying.
She was worried she might have a brain tumor because of a few problems with her, between my husband mom and her, I was a mess. I told my husband if she is seriously ill, I can’t handle this too, I just can’t. I won’t say I prayed right away because I didn’t I did the get frustrated and angry thing. I was angry that my husband mom is having problems, and is frankly going to die soon. I wasn’t angry at my best friend but kind of felt like, why is death all around me, about to take those I love.
Last night I got a call from another friend, and she was in a home for elderly because she got pneumonia and needed a blood transfusion, I was worried about her before I knew what was wrong with her, but I prayed.
I have been doing a lot of praying expecially at work because I have to much time on my hand for thoughts and sometimes that not good. Today I was feeling a little bewildered at how hard it was to have a single thought to pray or worship with, my mind was just every where, shoot I should try to write a book with my imagination. I wasn’t in a talkative mood, so I tried to stay quiet and invisible which is hard to do at work.
I got a text message from my friend while I was thinking about her and if she heard back. Everything came back normal, everything is clean, except for one thing. I guess she got two extra discs, not that’s weird but not any weirder then me with no ad noes to begin with. With all of her health troubles I wonder if she can get term life insurance, now days it important especially with the cost of funerals. I am thankful that mom and dad have insurance, because that means, the family only has 90 to pay and what ever the headstone cost will be.

opinion: Zootoo.com

Recently I found a site that has really interested me it was zootoo.com. It not a religious site but I decided to put it here because pets are special and created by G-d. This is a great site to get help or answer some questions about your pets this is a new place for pet lovers to meet.

What I have found to be the most interesting thing to me is that they help different shelters, and their user get to pick which shelters. When I signed up, I was able to pick local shelters in my area here in Minnesota. I thought this was great because I don’t want to give to another shelter, when we have plenty here in our metro area. They donate pet food to different area shelters.

Another great thing about zootoo, is that pet owners can ask questions to help their pets keep safe or deal with behavior problems. If you’re a new pet owner someone there probably can help answer your questions. Like let’s say you have a cat, who wants to bite everyone it comes around, he just wants to play but it’s impolite. You could ask for help with redirecting this behavior and maybe different people would respond to your question with suggestions, which have helped them with redirecting behavior of their pets. I have had my cat for over 10 years, so there are not many questions I have in being a good pet owner, but sometimes I do have questions.

Opinion Children books

Sometimes, during worship kids like to pull out some of the children’s book, we have in the class room. I am amazed at how many of the children want to read and play with the books. It’s almost like you can tell which kids are being read to at home because of how they handle the book and how well they set during the story time.
When I was growing up I don’t recall my mom reading to me very often, actually I can’t even recall once. We used to get books on tapes you know those ones were they are reading it and it beeps at each page. There are a couple of young kids who are reading already. I have seen a few parents during the prayer part of service, pointing out the words on the page to their young children. I think this is great because it will teach them to love reading and will make learning easier.
I personally like the personalized books and I know my nephew who has one loves it.