Struggling with G-ds gifts.

I have not walked on a frozen lake, until now I was walking with couple of the ladies. It still amazes me how a house or ice house can be placed over a hole for fishing with out the ice cracking I know the ice is very thick, but I always thought it just might break through with the right amount of weight on it. Some people on the lake had their outdoor furniture on the lake. I am not a winter person so I normally avoid the outdoors.

When I went on my walk with a few of the woman for a while I and one of the deacon wife’s where walking together and I shared with her my experience and some of my struggles with worshiping, not all worshiping but with the type where you just sing what you have on your heart. Our worship leader has been trying to get us to do that. I have been struggling with this for several years . While at Bible college I major in music, and I will just put it this way. I used to have perseverance but I lost it. I lift bible college very broken musically, I love to sing but I just can’t seem to sing in the Spirit or on my own unless it something I already wrote or that someone else has written. The day I lift Bible college for the last time the music chair person told me I had no talent. He told me no producer would ever be interested in your talent, and G-d can not use your talent. A few weeks before this I had something very traumatic happen to me, which revolved around my music, and G-d.
I have experience some real hurt, from bible school, and from the trauma I had endured. Before I went through this I had a coworker, who trained me in on a job being a home health care person. She told me I would not sing for 5 years, that something would happen to me. She thought I would lose my voice. After telling me this she said she was a Physic. I received what she had said to me. I have never lost my voice, but I do have to say I lost my enjoyment for sometime with music, and I lost the desire to do it. When talking to my friend I never thought about this, or receiving a word form someone who was clearly not g-dly.
For the past couple of months I want to say our Worship Leader has been trying to get us to sing in the Spirit or sing to the L-rd our own words. This is a good thing, it edifies the body and it also glorifies G-d, if it done with the right intentions. I have really struggled with this, because I have wanted to but I haven’t be able to because I just couldn’t. I would go into my shell and just pray, or avoid that all together.
Yesterday morning we prayed for people to be filled with the Holy Spirit, to have the Giftings of the Holy Spirit. Our leader told us who ever can sing in the spirit do, I did not and basically refused to. I didn’t want to be disobedient, but I did not want one of our leader criticizing my voice, or telling me it wasn’t good enough. You know I was carrying baggage from past experiences with leaders, and I projected it one of the worship leaders. Maybe I even did it to my mentor to a point. I know mentor would never put me down or criticize me in a way that would be damaging, she always encourages me, but the fear I had managed to be over powering. I have been praying for a while that this fear would be broken, and I could just simply be like I was once before not being fearful of singing unto the L-rd what was on my heart.
I know many in my church have told me I have a good voice including kids and teens, and we know kids and teens don’t lie, they are usually very mean when they think someone can’t sing. During the evening worship I was praying for a little while, I am starting to believe I have found a way to get back into the spirit of Worship even with running the remote and adding new songs into the presentation. I had prayed and shared with the L-rd, I wanted to have my perserverance back with music, that I didn’t want to have the fear any longer, I just wanted to be able to worship G-d again in song no matter who was there or even what they thought.
During my prayer I realized that I had received a word from the enemy, I accepted what that person told me who was not of G-d. I asked G-d forgiveness, and repented and I asked him to remove that word to cancel it out.
Believers Please when people are speaking words over you don’t just idly receive them, do not receive words which are not from G-d. Yes G-d will tell us what we are in for, like he did with Saul, Saul knew how he would die and when, but he knew G-d called him to do that. We need to know when G-d is speaking to us, or when it is the enemy pulling us away from G-d.
You know I don’t even really recall what the speaker said that night, I recall it to a point. But right now my mind is so filled with stuff I heard and learned that it still processing. I should have taken notes but I am not a note taker. After our sermon she went around praying for people, and our worship leader lead us in more songs. I felt like I finally was release from all the years of pain, and sorrow from my music, I felt like it was okay to sing unto G-d and not like I was too dirty to sing to him what was on my heart. A few times that night I felt G-d was giving me a word for the women, I fought with it for a couple of songs. It seemed each time I was about to give in the Worship leader would start back up.
I was still struggling but I don’t want to be in trouble, I don’t want my mentor being mad at me. Let me tell you I can come up with dumb excuses for not doing what G-d wants, because when it fear of man it dumb. I prayed some more about it, and I open my mouth I guess it had to be the right time, because G-d know, I would fight with HIM, and it would take that long. I do not even remember the words that I sang, but I know he was calling us to him and he calls us by our names. After I open my mouth and just let those words come out, I felt a burden lifting off of me.

Leaders expecially those of you who are worship leaders, remember the words you say can bring harm or edification. G-d does not care if someone hits a bad note, or if they sound like fingernails on a board. G-d looks at the heart, He looks at who they are and not the amount of talent they have or the lack of talent. We as leaders need to realize our words can really hurt and damage people. I will never tell someone they can not sing, I will never discourage one of my kids in children worship. I will even pick a kid I know can’t carry a tone because it important to them to feel wanted and valued, and it Bless their heart. I forgive the Bible College staff, I went to and the unkind words they spoke to me, and I know realize I do not have to be able to sing like one of their favorite students, I just have to sing like me. With the voice and talents G-d gave me.
After everyone had been prayed for, and I believe it was everyone. Since I was doing the presentation I didn’t go up for prayer, it a little hard praying and changing the slides. I went up afterwards after my mentor was done playing and the service was done for the evening for prayer. I am so glad I went up for prayer, I was encourage by her prayer, and I don’t feel like my gifts are not so pleasant. G-d had really blessed me during this time, he has healed a area of my life that was causing hurt. It is amazing I lead children worship and remained a part of any worship team I have been on after my bible college experience and the trauma I had. I have alway love singing and writing to the L-rd. After everything I felt dirty, and that feeling never lift me, it stayed with me until I decided to give it to G-d, to stop playing the game. I know G-d has used my little kids at church to bring my healing, and I know it is my training grounds too.