Thinking about my dad

Sometimes we wonder why do we go though horrible things as believers. I have written a couple of songs that ask G-d why me, why do you allow this to happen. There nothing wrong with writing a song or asking G-d why things happen. I know that sometimes we go through struggles it’s to make us stronger in our faith, to show us where our faith is.
I haven’t talked a whole lot about my dad, I only knew him for six month. I do miss him, and I did love him. I had ran away from Washington State to Illinois my grandma had paid for my plane ticket to get me home. I believed in G-d for a long time but I only knew about Yeshua my salvation for a few months before I ran away. One night I had prayed this was before I went to live with my dad. I was in a trouble teen shelter, I did not belong there but was sent there because no one listen to me. That night I felt so rejected and hurt. My mom had just allowed her boyfriend who was into satanism, try to do something horrible to me, and then told the cops he did nothing to me. He was unable to succeed in doing any real damage to me. I kept telling him, NO you can not do this to me I am a child of G-d, I kept repeating that phrase. He was unable to succeed, because I claimed G-d with the knowledge I was his child. As a young kid I choose to be G-d’s, with out my family being a church going family. G-d protected me from my mom boyfriend. I know now my mom was to scared of him to go against him, what my mom did that night probably saved her life, although had she spoke out he would have put in him jail for a very long time. Fear is very powerful. I have forgiven my mom for her choice that night. I do not hold her accountable but her choosing him over me lead me to pray the prayer that open the way to find my dad.
I had found my dad within 2 months after I had prayed a simple prayer of. G-d if you are real and if you really sent Jesus, the I ask that you would show me where my father is, and that you would put me somewhere safe. I wanted a deeper relationship with this G-d. Soon after I was placed in what my case worker called a strange home and then found my dad. I stayed with that family for six months and then they got sick of me. I ended up in a program to become a adult before I turned 18. My caseworker felt this was the best. I got sick of everything and feeling like I would never graduate from high school and I really wanted to do that, and I wanted to know my dad and the state was not leaving me go.
One night I decided to run, I knew something was wrong with my dad. I called my dad and told him I was running away and if he wanted me I would come to him but if not he have to wait until I was an adult because I was not going back to where I was. I had reason but that not what this post is about. My dad called his mom and she got me a plane ticket.
I knew my dad right way. Within 2 months after seeing his doctor he was very sick, coughing up blood this was hard to deal with. Soon we found out dad had mesothelioma, he was in the last stages. This is a very bad cancer it affects the lungs, and is not always quickly detected. He did not realize how ill he was, until it was to late. I was the one who got my dad to go to the doctor for a check up. I knew he was ill, I can’t explain it it just something I knew. I know G-d revealed it. Dad went in for a normal check up, and they found something abnormal. Then they found the cancer. My dad fought for a couple of months, he tried cemo and radiation. Cemo and radiation are meant to kill the cancer if it don’t kill the patient first. my dad eventually decide to not do treatments any more. He lived for 2 months after this, the night he passed away was bittersweet. This was when I was 17, I know they are working on cures for many types of cancer. I pray that they will find a good cure for all forms of cancer.
There are times I really miss my dad, and feel robbed because I can’t share with my dad important things in my life. The hardest thing was watching my dad, watching him struggle. It was hard seeing him hooked up to machines. During this time, G-d showed me a lot of stuff. He showed me his compassion, I always knew when it got to much I could cry out to G-d and i could share with him. I couldn’t talk to Grandma that was her son, and I had to be strong. The greatest amount of pain I have had in my life growing up was finally finding someone who wanted to keep me but who had to give up. The night my dad passed away I prayed a prayer. I know this was G-d way of preparing me, and showing me I was praying within his well. Maybe my husband is right that G-d waited until I said the prayer because I had to be willing to let go of dad, and G-d didn’t want me to feel like he just took my dad. I was in a church play, and was asked to lead prayer that night for the play.
My prayer was, basically G-d please heal my dad and remove his cancer, or if it is your well take him home to you. I asked G-d to take my dad home with him, to end his suffering, I looked up at the clock it was 7pm. I knew my dad had passed away. I hate it when G-d reveals things like this, it hard to deal with. I had to keep functioning for the play. I was dropped off at home, and after i had gotten in, the phone rang. I knew what that call was about, I answered it was grandma. She told me don’t you cry, your dad passed way tonight. at this time I didn’t know it was at the same time I asked G-d to take home my dad. When we got the obituaries is when I realized it, to be honest I felt guilty and like I had killed my dad. I know I didn’t kill him, but that it was G-d amount of time that he choose for my dad.