My process

This weekend I went to church, I was feeling well a little sad. My husband mom Diagnose had started hitting me. Plus someone before who I been learning some of the dance was sharing about her mom. So it brought my husband mom to front of my mind. Normally I don’t say a whole lot and won’t cry in front of people. One of the ladies who I mostly consider a friend came in and asked me how I was. I told her not so good and she went on to tell me how I need to stop looking at my problems and focus on other people. I told her I haven’t been thinking about me but my husband mom, who just was diagnosed with Roaming Cancer. So I am down because I can’t get my mind off of it and praying hasn’t brought me much peace or comfort yet. I guess she never had to watch someone die from cancer. I don’t feel bad for me but for my husband mom. Cancer will eat her body away.
David in the book of Psalms also grieved several times in Psalms 13:2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Grant it here he worried about his enemy.
After she said her stuff, I closed up. Kind of do not feel safe sharing my feelings or thoughts if that’s the response I am going to get. Shoot if I wanted condemnation I could easily call my older sister.
In Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Never does Yeshua give us condemnation or gee look at other then yourself when we are clearly looking at a loved one problem. Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
So we are told to carry each other burdens to be helpful. I know I have my husband, and I had to leave him there by him self to deal with this person. I felt bad but I just couldn’t take her self righteous attitude toward me. I didn’t want to say anything to her because I knew if I was to it would come out very hurtful and I don’t want to hurt people feelings.
I don’t feel I can share with my husband my feelings or to much of anything with his parents because I don’t want to be a burden, and normally the church is my safe place to share what we are faced with. To get prayer support. By Saturday I didn’t want to open up to anyone. One of my friends asked how I was. I tried to lie but she saw through it. I gotta learn to be a better lier this way no one can know how I really feel or maybe she taken enough time to get to know me so probably won’t work.
I am not blaming G-d on my mom in law cancer, yes G-d knows about it. Yes G-d revealed to me what it was, but maybe G-d did that to be more merciful on me. Maybe he did it to help me and my husband prepare for this. I was talking to my husband after the diagnose was known, and I told him you’d think this would make it easier for me to accept and come to terms. My husband said no, it might make it harder in a way.
Maybe some day I should take a weekend with G-d alone in Wilmington NC real estate, this way it be hard for people to find me..
Where am I at in the process pretty numb again. Not angry not sad just not feeling nothing at all. I know there are a lot of people out there who can’t understand why I am so close to my Mother in law. My husband last night on one of our forums told them I was just as close to his mom as he. I am not sure that true because he is her son and grew up with her. Even though he is adopted, he’s still her child. I am just a addition into the family. I know they see me as their daughter too, but I honestly don’t think I am as close as he is to his mom. From the very first day his mom accepted me into the family. She treated me like a part of the family. It was impossible to stay closed with her or his dad. They are the type of people, it’s hard not to let them in. I was a very closed person and still am a closed off person. I don’t let people in I usually push them away because I’ve been wounded. In the past when I have let people in they die, so I started feeling either they die or flat out reject me.
I knew his parents where old when I met them but they where so open, so honest, so loving. It was impossible to keep up all my same walls, I found my self able to let his mom in. I know saying I am a closed person doesn’t sound very Yeshua like, but it’s a part of what I am like. Part of what made me close was finding my father then shortly after he died. I know he loved me and couldn’t fight the cancer, but he chose not to do Chemo, which could have increase his life. I felt for a long time, that he chose death to get away from me. I know that not the truth now, and I know part of my process is going through with my father also because I was never really allowed to have feelings with him. I couldn’t talk to grandma, well mom was another store, and my sister hated dad, so she was fairly happy. I was so alone, even my counseling didn’t help me. Back then I didn’t have a good support system, and now I think I might have some support just have to be careful with who.