Not any easier

My husband mom lost her battle to cancer early this morning at around 1am. We are sadden by her loss and knowing did not make it any easier to handle. I had just got done doing my prayer or lack of it, not sure what it was, but I was thinking on her. My husband came out of the room, and I know immediatly what he would be telling me. I know right away but hearing the words stung just as bad as not knowing.

My husband mom was like a second mom to me. I will always have found memories of her. When I first met his parents I was scared, because I had been hurt many times. I didn’t exactly trust many people but his parent’s were a wonderful blessing,  the first time in a long time, I let them in closer then anyone else.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mother, even though I love her. Sometimes our roles have been reverse, so it makes it hard to call her about womanly things or marriage things. I have talk to my husband mom many times, and express some fears with her. She never once spoke an unkind word toward me. I have a habit, which is probably my way of dealing with spoken words. Growing up I didn’t hear much of I love you statement, so when people have said it I never knew how to respond. My grandma when I lived with her never told me she loved me but she tried showing me in many ways. Grandma didn’t tell me she loved me until the last couple years with out me saying it first to her. I have always felt uncomfortable with hearing “I love you”.

One day recently my husband mom told me she loved me, and I said Yeah I know. She told me, she was angry at me, I was a little confused because I never realized the words I had spoken, when she told me. I laughed not a haha funny type laugh but the laugh of I don’t know what to do, I love you to but I not good at expressing it verbally. Funny thing is I am a very verbal person. I said sorry. There are few people I will say sorry to.  I told her I loved her before we lift that night. The next time we would see her  was in the hospital. She was moved to the nursing home on Thursday, she only lived for 2 days after that. We won’t get to say no more goodbyes. I wrote her a song which I was in the middle of and honestly still there, I never got to sing it to her. I wish I had the gutts the last night at the hospital but I chicken out. I regret it, I know I let her read the words, and maybe that’s good enough.

Something, I wish I didn’t say to my husband was that mom only had a week or 2 lift, because it ended up being exactly a week. I don’t know if I feel guilty or if I feel sad.  I know she is with the Father and we will met again, so it will be reading and reciting the Mourners prayer for a few weeks. I will post the mourners prayer on here in the next couple of days.

My last conversation with mom was in the hospital room where she seemed to realize just how different I and my husband are. We are almost like night and day. I am very different… I am glad G-d didn’t have anyone who love mom in there when she passed away. This is G-d’s mercies on the family I believe. I am glad mom went know Yeshua and having a relationship. This makes it less painful, even though it doesn’t take away all pain. I don’t want to say good bye, they hurt.