Be happy

I am someone who is hard to read because when I am happy I don’t always look like I am happy. It’s not because I am not happy, but I don’t always smile, and I think a lot. I am a problem solver, and sometimes people just don’t get that about me. Well this weekend I was in a snit I guess, I can’t say I was happy or unhappy this weekend I just was in a indifferent mood. I decided not to dance because of it and well I will just say I am surprised anyone would say anything nice about my singing because I had the attitude of I don’t care. I think it’s time for a vacation or something maybe innew orleans or somewhere.
Lately I have received a lot of encouragement about singing. Not that I dont like singing actually I love it. But I am getting tired of having to answer the question of why aren’t you on the worship team. My answer now is because I need to be out here to encourage other to sing too, if you have all the good singer on the worship team not many would want to sing.
I don’t know if that right but shoot it all I can think of. G-d gives us talents, and maybe he given me a talent to sing people at my congregation seem to think so. I love to sing and write and compose, but I haven’t exactly been comfortable with sharing my music, because I been hurt enough and learned to many hard lesson when it comes to music and being open with people. Everything I went through was almost 10 years ago, and well I still in some ways have some of the same feelings. I know I have healed a lot but I am starting to wonder if some of those wounds which I have will ever disappear or if they will always be there to haunt me. I have forgiven those I must but I well fear sharing more then just singing along. I don’t want to open my self of to the it’s not Messianic enough or Christian enough or the Beat doesn’t Honor G-d or G-d can’t use you…. I have noticed something with people they will encourage you when your not using what they believe you aught to but some of those people are the first one to tell you it’s not good enough.
I have belonged to many congregations through out my walk, and I am glad I found this place, my husband lead me to it. Finally I fit somewhere even though lately I feel more indifferent and not sure where I belong right now, but honestly it not because of Rabbi or the congregation it because of me.
I guess I have to either step out in faith and stop being a baby about something and be more open, shoot I been going to this congregation for 6 years soon, and still some of my closes friends there don’t know anything about what I do with my hobbies. This is the longest I been under any Rabbi or Pastor and I have healed, so maybe my unhappyness isn’t the fault of them but the fault of myself and sitting her feeling I can’t trust anyone because last time I did I was hurt. I am pretty sure some of those who don’t know or know but never really been shared with know me well enough and wouldn’t do what others have done that didn’t know me well. I am not saying I am going to trust everyone but people who haven’t done anything to break trust or who have been around for a while, and I formed friendships or bonds with I am probably safe sharing with them.