Can’t say goodbye

I got a call Friday night that Grandma was not doing good. My cost of living and student loan for school some how got delayed so I didn’t have that money to allow me to go home. I didn’t call neither because Granny couldn’t talk, maybe I should have tried. On Sunday Night the 25th of Sept. My uncle called me to tell me Grandma passed away. I do not cry often, but I just can’t really help it. I know G-d extended her days last time we went home on a family emergency, when she was in the hospital unresponsive she wasn’t ready to go and be with her Maker. I can’t say good bye now to her, I can not tell her how much she means to me. She was a strong woman, and yes she did wrong too, but made it right when she knew…. She was my Grandma, the person who fought for me when my own mother didn’t want me or couldn’t want me. Grandma never looked at my learning issues in certain subjects as being a problem, she looked at them as challenges. She never told me I could not do what I wanted to do. she encouraged me. She didn’t look at some of my behaviors of pushing her and everyone away as wrong, but as away to test her to make sure she wouldn’t leave me. Had it not been for her I would not have made it through high school. I struggled with reading, I was smart but reading caused me trouble.

When I went to college Grandma told me she knew I could do it. When I was wounded and hurt deeply she was there for me. She was a friend. In many ways she was like a mom to me, she was the one I counted on often. She never missed a high school concert, recitals, she even made it to my wedding. She always encouraged me not to give up, and to always try what I felt. Sometimes she remind me of how proud her and my dad would have been. Grandma was special to me. I know my uncle told me, I was to her. Now I am in graduate school, and she encouraged me and told me I would be good at what I was study because I had a understanding and came a long ways. The last time we talked she told me she was proud of me, and so was my dad. Maybe she was trying to tell me her time was almost up.

I stopped talking to her as much the last several weeks because she didn’t always know who I was, and it was hard to deal with having to explain to her I was Andy’s daughter. Sometimes I’d have to tell her I am her granddaughter. I wish I didn’t stop calling her and would have called more often like I used too.

So if I could talk to her again. I would tell her I love her, and thank you for all. Thank you for not giving up on me and having faith I could do it even when I failed. I would tell her I see a change in her one that she was worried about the last time she was close to the end. The first time she let me pray for her. Granny didn’t want to go that last time but I believe this time maybe she was ready to meet the Father. I have to go by faith that she was, and that the things she told me she wanted to changed and fix were resolved for her.

What I have learned from this is sometimes its best to call your love ones even if there is pain in the conversation because they do not know who you are. Sometimes that pain is better to deal with them wishing you could say good and you love them one last time. Once death on earth comes you can no longer say good bye. There is sometimes no means for closure. So now I have prayers and the Kaddish to pray, but this doesn’t give me away to tell Granny anything.